Enneagram Book

Okay, for all you fours (4’s) out there, I am going to give you some tips that will greatly improve your life. First of all, as a four we all experience that “ideal self” that looms large over absolutely everything we do. We compare even when we don’t realize we are comparing. Some fours can spend entire lives spinning their wheels in the name of an ideal self that doesn’t exist. It is necessary that we realize that this ideal self is not real, can never be real, and even if we managed to somehow become this person it would not be a concrete “I have arrived” moment like our mind likes to dangle in front of us. We have been hoodwinked into believing that something can exist that cannot, and even worse into believing that there is something worth rejectable about a self that is messy, murky and process oriented as all human being naturally are. How this mirage managed to pass by our radar I have no idea.

Perhaps as young fours we felt unable, or unmotivated to meet the expectations of those around us, seeing the futility of the whole thing, and as a clever protective device, we built the illusion of specialness into our belief about ourselves. It actually worked for awhile, it excused us from having to do things, made us chase “more important,” or more poetic activities. We comforted ourselves in our dreams of someday, or indulged in our nightmares of revenge upon those who threatened our egos by calling us out on our
illusion of sensitivity.

It all worked quite smoothly for awhile, until our lives gradually start slipping away, our ability to get over ourselves and tough it out gets tiring as daily life gets harder and harder. Getting over ourselves is never really possible if we have a huge self to get over. it will still be there chasing after us until we see the futility of the whole thing. So one day we may just give up, become depressed, suicidal, or totally self-obsessed. Give in to that which has been driving us for so long. This is the first step.

This is when we actually want to get off of the roller coaster and feel what its like to care for others and be close to them without sentimentalizing our relationships. We feel the craving for that heart blossoming with unconditional love except the whole thing feels very confusing because we are carrying a story of self rejection and images and holding them preciously in our breast.

A four on their path to wholeness will sometimes feel like a heavy heart dragging a body around. See if you can develop the capacity to self-nurture without feeling sorry for yourself , trying to solicit approval from others, or wallow in their rejection. Stay with yourself as you lighten your grip on the image and lighten your tendency to whip yourself. When you find yorself sitting in a puddle of your own tears, let it be so. Do not try to manipulate your feeling, exploit them, or turn them into an excuse not to do something. In other words don’t leverage your precious feelings against life either. If you decide not to do something or to do something, the reason can be just because you decided it to be so, their does not need to be an emotion explation for everything you decide to do, or every person you decide to befriend.

As a recovering four personality you will find yourself crying a lot as the broken images of yourself come to their death. You will find yourself fantasizing, trying to bring them back to life but it will be too late to resuccitate them fully. Thankfully! You are getting closer to a free being. So as you cry over spilt milk, stop the necessity to build a story around the tears, just let it be so, breathe, and start again. You will find a sensitive resiliency within youself that you never know you had and a sense of humor that is much more nourishing than a fantasy life.

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